Should we go for the 2-2-3 schedule or the week-on/week-off rotation?
The residence schedule for children involved in a divorce is one of the most important points for parents to discuss. As a mediator, it immediately provides a picture of how parents stand in the divorce or where they are in the processing stage.
Looking Inward
As a mediator, I like to ask parents whether they are able to look at themselves and identify which stage of processing they are in or exactly what feelings they are experiencing. Why? Because essentially any arrangement can work—every arrangement naturally has its pros and cons—but the most important thing remains: how do you, as parents, carry out this arrangement toward your children?
The Impact of Your Emotions on the Children
Let me take you through an example: You have just divorced, and you didn’t make this decision yourself. You didn't choose to stop seeing your children every day. You go through a whole process/series of conversations, and eventually, it becomes a week-on/week-off schedule, whether voluntary or not.
On transition day, tears run down your cheeks or you say goodbye with a lump in your throat; your children pick up on this. They see the grief or have sensitive "antennae" and feel that you are not okay with this. The children suddenly cry too, or come with messages like: "I don't want to switch," "I don't want to go to the other parent," "A week is too long," "I'm going to miss you so much," ...
The Child's 'Truth'
However, that is not always the "real" message. I put this in quotation marks because I don’t like to speak about "real" or "the truth." Children in a divorce create their own truth with the information available or with what they see and hear themselves during the divorce.
When children are able to vent to a neutral third party at that moment, a very different story often emerges: they find the grief of one parent so upsetting and wonder, for example, if they stopped going for a week, would that parent be less sad?
Start with Yourself
As a parent, it is therefore always important to be able to look closely at yourself: why is this theme playing out for you and not necessarily for the children? No arrangement can work perfectly for children if they cannot feel from both parents that it is okay to switch, that it is okay to spend those days with the other parent, and that you are OK while they are with the other parent.
Try to start with yourself: what are my needs in this, where do these needs come from, what do I need to adjust them in the interest of the children, and why are these needs okay? When a child can feel supported by both parents, you can apply any arrangement.
Looking Ahead
Naturally, there are exceptions to this, and as previously mentioned, every arrangement has its pros and cons. I look forward to returning to this in a future blog.
